Kirsten Kirsch
Cheeks came into my life at a time when all I wanted to do was laugh and dance, but all I could do was cry. Everyone has those moments in life where they go "If this is it, then I got served and Im not sure I like it." At that point, my whole life felt like it was for nothing. I felt useless and done in, completely worthless. I wanted to have fun, to live, to play, but things were getting in my way. What thing you ask? Well...
I grew up with a disability known as Cerebral Palsy. When I was little I used to think "All I have to do is get through school and be a grown up and everything will be ok, no one will care anymore." I did my best to get through school. I sang in six choirs, did 3 simultaneous drama courses, and finished my first year university degree in my final year of high school. I was proud of myself, and slightly dejected that no one else was proud of me. Not that I would ever voice that. After getting out of high school, I was totally let down by the fact that the jeers, taunts, teasings and even the physical afflictions didnt go away. They only got quieter and more subtle. More behind the back and less to your face. I kept ploughing through, determined to make something of myself despite what every one expected. Doors kept getting shut in my face performance wise, because lets face it, no matter how much experience a person has (Ive been performing since the age of 3), there either has to be a very liberal director on hand, or a part that is actually written for a disabled person. Living where I do (redneck capital of buttfuck no where!), neither of those were likely.
When I was 15, I was told point blank that I should live life while I could because Id be in a wheelchair at 30. I didnt believe them at the time. I actually told the doctor to fuck off and went about my life. Having reached my early 20's now though, I can feel that this is the truth. There are days where I cant get up because my limbs dont know how to respond. Things like playing the guitar or trumpet or piano, things that I once counted among the few I could do well, were no longer an option because my fingers decided that dexterity was not a necessary thing. Not having control over your own body is freakishly eye opening, even more so when youre not sure exactly how you want to live your life, you just know that you do.
Scrambling, I joined the first theatre company that would take me. I did 2 shows with them, went to new york to see some stuff on Broadway because Id always wanted to, came back and did a summer theatre festival event, and the cycle repeated into the next year.
I stumbled upon Cheeks via a message board I am a part of, some other girls were fans and had linked the "Miss California" video. By this point, I was at the end of a frayed rope and just waiting to fall. During my first year with the aforementioned theatre company I worked my tail off and got little recognition. Which is fine, I was the new kid on the block and I understood that. But I also knew that I had alot more singing ability than the girls who were given the speaking/singing roles and it irked me. Because in a perfect world, talent before appearance right? Yea I know, Im laughing too. I made it through those two shows and continued through my third, knowing that I had to do it because theatre was the only thing I ever wanted for myself and I only had like 9 years of it left. About a month into rehearsals for my fourth show, I had basically given up all hope of ever reaching my dreams. They were all pointless anyway. I was just a disabled small town girl who may work the one day and may not the next, no one ever knew. I happened to be able to carry a tune but so what? So could alot of other people, and they were normal. I was not. I heard some whispers behind my back regarding the point that I "never contributed anything" to rehearsals and why was I there if I couldnt dance. I can dance, just not all the time. On that particular day I had to sit out because my knees had given way, and I had previously rolled my ankle. But I was watching intently, determined that when my body decided I was allowed possesion of it again, I would have that dance cold.
I went home that night feeling dejected and thinking about quitting. Not because the comments I had heard had gotten the better of me, but because I felt I could potentially ruin the show by making myself, and therefore everyone else, look stupid. I went on the internet as I often do, looking for something to make my mind slow down a little. I clicked the link that was left by these two lovely ladies, and proceeded to laugh my head off. Here was a person who was doing exactly what he wanted to and making other people happy by doing it. I clicked his myspace and was even more excited when I found out he did music too!
A couple months later I was into the last of my rehearsals, and just barely chugging along, but I had to keep going. Something in me said that if I didnt, Cheeks would be dissapointed in me. I dont know why I thought this, because at this point I hadnt had any contact with him, nonetheless I kept going. I was on the Cheekstv site one night when he came into chat and we got to talking, er typing. Before I knew what I was doing I was telling him all about my show, about how much he meant to me and all the Cheekers and he was telling me that he was close to tears and would be hugging me if we were in the same room. Among the many beautiful things he said that night, one has really stuck with me. He said "Remember, you control your own sparkle" That was all I needed. I was off and running, to the best of my ability anyway.
Much to my suprise, at the end of the show I was presented an award for "Over Achievement in the Art of Musical Theatre" I was absolutely shocked, and I couldnt help but feel like Cheeks had a hand in it. So when accepting I managed to breath the words "Remember you control your own sparkle, Thanks Cheeks" I sent him a quick note when I got home, and the response I got was a happy one. He told me congratulations and said he was proud of me, something not even my own family had ever said to me. I told him that we shared the award and I would scan a copy of it and present it to him when we met, something I still intend to do.
To say Cheeks has touched my life pales in comparison to what hes actually done for me. Hes made me realise that I sparkle and given me the ability to utilize it. I can never ever thank him enough.
-Kirsten Kirsch